Ohio's new driving test

Below is a peek at Ohio’s new written driver’s test. The test, a simple multiple choice, reflects the driving habits of today’s busy cellph-centered drivers.

1. The light turns yellow as you approach an intersection, and you have plenty of time to stop. What should you do?
a. Gently brake and stop for the red light.
b. Put the pedal to the floor and roar through the intersection, nearly slamming into the obnoxious driver coming from the opposite direction who patiently waited through the entire light to turn left and had the gall to turn in front of you.

2. You approach a curve, and your lane is the outer lane of the curve. How do you negotiate the curve?
a. Stay in your lane and slow down if necessary so you don’t cross the yellow line.
b. Cut across the double yellow line and gesture at the moron who has the nerve to drive in his lane, forcing him off his side of the road where he runs over a poor little old lady’s chrysanthemums and plows down like a row of dominoes the white posts her son installed because all those idiots keep driving through her yard.

3. You approach an intersection where you plan to turn left. How do you make the turn?
a. Signal a left turn and pull far enough forward so you turn from your lane into the proper lane, avoiding driving in other lanes.
b. Sit at the light with no turn signal on, mystifying other drivers and pedestrians, and when you can turn you cut across the right lane of the road on your left, banging your tires on the curb and giving the evil eye to the guy who had the cheek to pull up to the white stop line in his lane.

4. The sign on the expressway says 60 mph. What should you do?
a. Drive the speed limit because it’s safer and saves gas.
b. Drive 75 because you know the cops make allowance for 10 mph over the posted speed limit and you can get away with another 5 mph, and besides, your car is a pale, subtle silver and everyone knows the cops target red cars.

5. You are driving in a 55 mph zone and a sign announces “Reduced speed 45 mph ahead.” What do you do?
a. Reduce your speed from 55 to 45.
b. Continue to drive 65 mph.
c. Slow to 55, because you habitually drive 10 mph over the limit.

6. You are about to turn right from a two-lane road onto a two-lane road. How do you make the turn?
a. Signal a right turn and slow down enough so that you can remain in the proper lanes of the road from which you are turning and the road onto which you are turning.
b. Don’t bother to use a turn signal, veer to the left over the yellow line, nearly sideswiping a car coming the other way, and turn into the oncoming lane of traffic, forcing drivers onto the curb, before finally moving into the correct lane half a block down the road.

7. You are approaching a four-way stop, and another driver is approaching on the road to your right at the same time. What do you do?
a. Brake and wait for the other driver because when two drivers reach a four-way stop simultaneously the driver to the right has the right-of-way.
b. Hit the gas so you reach the stop sign first, skidding to a stop, and throw up your hands in disgust when the other driver insists on legally going first, of all the nerve.

8. You must pull onto a road with a 55 mph speed limit and onto a side road a block away. What do you do?
a. Wait for oncoming cars to pass before pulling out.
b. Pull out when an oncoming car is 100 yards away, mosey along at 30 mph, and turn using no signal, all the while wondering why that crazy woman behind you is flashing her lights, blowing her horn and yelling obscenities.

9. Your driver’s license expires on your birthday. When should you renew it?
a. Anytime within a month before your birthday.
b. A month or so after your birthday because you have a month’s grace.
c. Whenever you need to go downtown.
d. You aren’t sure, so you’ll call 911 and ask the dispatcher or call the newspaper and ask them.

This entry was posted in Faux News. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s